TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely out of spot. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But yes, sure, let's have An additional place where by American Gentlemen can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer Everybody a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It's that he need to end utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the job, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from Place, a aspect being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after locating the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It's not merely unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Baffling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Not sure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A Trump Tower Damascus modern SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may also involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down assistance."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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